At twenty-five weeks pregnant, I think I'm probably less ready to be a mother than ever. On Monday, I fell down at work. In the hallway, during the normal course of walking, for no apparent reason. Minor muscle strains and bruises notwithstanding, my daughter and I seemed to be fine. I mentioned it to my OB, who said, "Well try not to do that again!" Oh, okay. Now I'll be more careful, but just because you say so.
We are embarking upon what, at least so far, seems to be our biggest challenge yet: securing childcare. At work, my child is number 212 on the list of "infants and unborns," up from 229 a few weeks ago, but down from 211 a few days ago. It's not a hopeful process. The Boy had a consultation that netted us countless phone numbers and addresses. And, of course, we couldn't just be on the same page about it; because we both feel like complete morons, in way over our heads, we fight about it. Thursday, in tears, I said, "I'm pissed at her because she's already ruining everything and she's not even here yet!" And this is how I know it will all be okay. Because the father of my child held me and said, "It's okay to be pissed at her." When I told my mother about it, she said, "Well that's a terrible way to look at it." Obviously, she is not father-of-my-child material.
The second number in my weight is higher than it has ever been but, in all probability, not higher than it will ever be. I've gained ten pounds, but my blood pressure is great, the kid's heart rate is on target, and just to be sure everything else is as it should be, we get to see her again in another sonogram on Thursday.
I'm reading a book on setting my baby's sleep and feeding schedule; I'm taking a prenatal Pilates class; I've signed up for childbirth education boot camp, and according to my pastor's wife, I'm "blossoming." But today The Boy's stepbrother asked me if it's weird, getting ready for something so unknown. "I don't see how I could ever prepare for it. And then she'll be here and nothing will ever be the same."
I'm not mad at her today, so I guess that's something.
And now, the looking back: I feel sheepish publishing this now, given my current pre-maternal state. It seems disingenuous, if only a little, to write about "surviving a miscarriage" only now that I'm nearly three quarters of the way along with my next pregnancy. But I've written a story and had it published at maryelise.com, a new, start-up women's magazine online. Check it out, if you please.
7 comments:
The article is good. I bet it will help other women as well.
I have just run across your blog and read your article. I personally think that it is a shame that a "mother to be" can say that their unborn daughter has "ruined your life." I find it an especially selfish comment coming from someone who has lost a pregnancy. I am currently 3 months pregnant with my first child after suffering from a miscarriage...years of infertility treatments, injections and ultimatally in-vitro. I cant understand anyone sees having a child as any less than a blessing and a miracle. Your reference to being "mad" at an innocent creature that you chose to bring into this world in the first place is disgraceful. I encourage you to seek a new outlook on your situation. You are a very lucky person and are obviously ignorant to how lucky you are.
Well. I personally think it's very ignorant to post such an abusive comment behind a cloak of anonymity. I'm sorry that my honesty has somehow offended you. I will not apologize for sharing the way I really feel-- whether I'm proud of it or not-- and you can, of course, choose not to read. But if you've found a way to ride the roller-coaster of expectant motherhood without an ounce of doubt, worry, or fear, perhaps you should write a book. If you truly read the article, instead of responding to one quote in the blog, you would know the devastating and terrifying effect my miscarriage had on me. Despite your opinions on how strangers should feel, I refuse to join the caustic community of mothers (and mothers-to-be) who think that theirs is the only right way to behave or think or bear and raise children. I'm sorry for your troubles, and I wish you and your burgeoning family well.
I 2 have just read your blog and must tell U that I agree to some extent as what the writer of 9/25 wrote. As a mom myself, I can tell U I think it's normal to feel emotional, however, you referrenced being "pissed at her" and U were only talking about trying to find day care. What are U going to do when your child is up all night crying??? AND "I'm not mad at her today" is quite upsetting --this is an INNOCENT unborn child U are talking about. Even your mom agreed it wasn't normal. I urge U to rethink what U put in public print as U could regret it later.
Well, as a first-time expectant mother myself, I have to say that I completely understand where you're coming from. I know that having a child is the most amazing thing God could ask your help in (in that we're carrying the baby, He's got the rest, I'm sure). HOWEVER, that does not excuse us from having the normal feelings of worry, doubt, and fear like you said before.
I encourage you to continue on in your honesty, especially in this blog. Too many moms suffer from depression or anxiety b/c they fear the feelings they're experiencing (those "selfish" and "disgraceful" thoughts) are wrong, when in fact, lots of women experience them. Its time we're honest with ourselves.
To the "anonymous" commenters: No one's perfect, so stop claiming to have the "right outlook" on life.
And most of all - stop judging others.
Dear Anonymous #2 (really, how hard is it to identify oneself when judging someone's feelings?), I find it interesting that you choose to judge my entire capability as a mother and a human being on one phrase I uttered while completely disregarding everything else I've written on this blog. I quoted, verbatim, the way I felt when I was terrified and upset and emotional. And you can tell me you've never felt that way, but I'll never believe you. I respect your right to think or say whatever you want, but I don't appreciate your judgment of what's "normal" to feel (nice try bringing my mother into this, by the way). I am a writer. And I'm not sure what the point would be of writing if I chose only to record carefully edited details that shed no light on what the situation actually felt like. I know I would have no interest in reading censored feelings like that. I do not worry about putting things in print-- they happened, they are real-- and I'm not afraid of honesty. And yes, I plan to share openly with my daughter, when the time comes, that impending motherhood is a joyful and overwhelming journey, but that it is not all smiles and rainbows. If that makes me a terrible mother, I guess I'll have to live with that, but I'll never believe it.
To the negative anonymous writers...if you had read christina's blog carefully you would have seen that she uttered the words "pissed" and "mad" through streaming tears. The word clue "tears", should have immediately honed you in on the fact that this statement was uttered with emotion, not fact. If indeed you are both mothers who have managed to endure and enjoy this journey of motherhood without an ounce of regret, worry, fear, and negative emotions...you are either immortal or in self denial. The two of you are the ones that make motherhood so damn hard because you won't open up about the reality of all the encompassing emotions (both elating and discouraging),leaving the rest of us with the emptiness that we can never measure up to the mirage of being a perfect mother.
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