Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Hi, My Name is. . .

Awkward.

Despite what The Boy will tell you when we're telling Our Story, I hardly ever gave out my number. I can only recall doing it twice-- once that ended in a disastrously bad date to an Orioles game (a story for another post, for sure), and the other ended in the messy and cluttered joy that is my current life. But that was then. Since meeting my love, I give my number out like it's my job.

Remember when making friends was as easy as sitting beside each other in homeroom? Yeah, not so simple now. Several years ago, upon seeing a beautiful, dark-featured couple in my Sunday School class for the first time, my heart stuttered a little. I wonder if we could be friends, I thought. Then I looked down and saw her silver stilettos. We will definitely be friends. I chased Joyce down the hallway and forced my handshake upon her, telling her how my boyfriend and I were in the market for friends. I gave her my number and set up a first date, before which I pleaded with The Boy to behave. He didn't, but it still went well. Since then we have had dinner parties and playdates and even . . . shopping. After college I thought I'd never have a (new) friend I'd be comfortable enough with to go shopping. But with Joyce, I did. With strollers in tow. And baby weight. And it was still fun.

I have been surprisingly fortunate to keep my male friends from my single days because: a) the Boy genuinely likes them regardless of whether I'm there/especially when I'm not, and b) the ones who have taken the plunge all married great women with whom I'm friends apart from my affection for them. I did not see this coming, but I love it.

So I am aware that friendship after marriage is possible, but friendship after kids? Well, that appears to be a whole other thing. Now there are so many more boxes to check. Do I like her spouse? Does she like mine? Do we have kids of similar age? Are we of similar age? Do we have a somewhat similar outlook on parenting? Does it matter? Is she a working mom? Is she a stay-at-home mom who doesn't dislike working moms? Does she live anywhere nearby? Is she willing to put up with my inability to volley communication attempts effectively? So far, with one notable exception of a fellow mom I met online, these combinations haven't quite gelled yet. Not that I haven't tried. I joined the neighborhood parents' listserv and read it regularly. I wrote for a mom's website and friended people there. I signed my then 18-month-old for swim lessons, selfishly, so I might make some mom friends. I take my daughters to the park and tot lot and scour the area like a single guy on the prowl. I am unnecessarily chatty at the grocery store in our neighborhood with mothers who look like my type. But so far, to no avail.

This past Sunday we visited a church that is new to us and the neighborhood. We didn't feel new. We met a couple with a two-year-old and another on the way. We spent the evening in their home later in the week. We were open, they were warm, and it was easy. Easy! After nearly two-and-a-half years!

"Just let me know if you want to swap babysitting-- we're all about that," she said.

Of course I do! I almost cringed at how quickly and enthusiastically I answered the question. Because, really, I just met these people. But friends! For the whole family, and where we live! We see everyone else seem to have such things and wonder how it has thus far eluded us. I think of the couple we saw each week at the pool last summer. The Boy would talk to the little girl's father for a half hour at a time but never introduced himself. How did we get so clumsy and unfriendly?

Today at the tot-lot I sat isolated on the bench in the corner, nursing Emerie. "You need to get into the inner circle," The Boy said, gesturing to the center of the tot lot where four pony-tailed, jeans-clad moms sat chatting. Suddenly, I felt like I was back in high school, except I used to be on the inside. I made a mental note to be more friendly to the ones on the outskirts, that is, if I ever get back in. Until then, I'll try to push myself more, awkwardly extending my hand, and pray for a warm reception.

5 comments:

Elizabeth Leigh said...

You sure hit the nail on the head here. do people still say that saying... well nevertheless, you know what i mean. I hadn't checked your blog in so long but go figure, I'm bored at work, check it, and you've written about something that is the story of my life these days it seems.

Its as if the older I get the more I need friends yet the harder it is to locate them!! And I'm not even being picky anymore! ha. Who knew this would be how it would all go down?!

I thought it was the fact that I live somewhere far from my 'home' and have no family or friends here from my 'growing up days'. I feel like i'm surrounded by women who are still able to go to their moms for sunday dinners EVERY SUNDAY and meet up with their girlfriends from high school every month! I tell my husband - i want to MOVE. Everyone we met is FROM HERE and I hate it haha... But maybe its not about where Im living ... You've got me to wondering, maybe this is just how it goes...

I exchanged numbers with a woman i met in the health food store who was pregnant with a son she planned to name 'River'. Later I wondered what the hell has come over me... because really, the only thing in common was we both shop at whole foods. lol...

anyway... i'll hush. and wish us both luck on the search for some real girlfriends;)

Jen @ Rolling Through Looneyville said...

Introvert? I deal with the same things. Often, it's easier to hide behind stories of my kids than to actually try to get to know other mothers.

Then I kick myself in the car later because I feel like I never shut up. (Because it was easier if the words kept flowing)

We're somewhat local. If I knew you in person, I'd totally include you in our circle. :)

Christinahh said...

Elizabeth, I think my lack of new friends might be partially due to the fact that I live near my family. If I had to rely on friends to as my only source of support, I'd probably be better at making them.

And, for what it's worth, I think you're hilarious and would definitely give you my number if I lived in PA :)

Christinahh said...

Hi, Jen! Actually, I'm not typically an introvert, but I laughed out loud at your depiction of yourself-- I do it too! Tell too many stories that don't actually let anyone get to know me (but I dare you not to laugh), then second guess it all in the car because I didn't ask/listen enough.

Thanks a lot for leaving a note-- I stopped by your blog and love it. We can be e-friends, if nothing else. And I agree, your diaper cake was totally festive.

Christinahh said...

Hi, Jen! Actually, I'm not typically an introvert, but I laughed out loud at your depiction of yourself-- I do it too! Tell too many stories that don't actually let anyone get to know me (but I dare you not to laugh), then second guess it all in the car because I didn't ask/listen enough.

Thanks a lot for leaving a note-- I stopped by your blog and love it. We can be e-friends, if nothing else. And I agree, your diaper cake was totally festive.

 
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